Jealousy
by KlikStar
Summary: What if it feels like jealous? What if it feels like you can't breath? What if it feels like you're down on your knees? Cloud is tired of waiting, of thinking, of trying.  He just wanted to be accepted, to be needed, to be loved, by someone, by anyone.


Hi

Ok, so this didn't quite come out the way I planned it, but strangly I feel like it still works even though my fingers did the typing while my mind took a polite step back on this one.

It was inspired by **Will Young's** newest single **'Jealousy'** and was supposed to be a oneshot based on Cloud's jealousy of not getting into soldier and the disappointment / bitterness he feels as a result of it. Instead it sort of grew to ecompass eveything that was wrong with his life and how he was jealous of the way everyone else is accepted so easily, how everyone else has someone who loves them and wants them around.

You'll find that not all of the words fit, but the chorus works really well and the mood set by the music adds something to the feel as well.

As always, I hope you enjoy.

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><p><span>Jealousy<span>

Cloud had wanted so many things, so many Gaia damned things, that it hurt to know that they would forever be beyond his reach.

He'd dreamt of this day since time began, or more likely since he'd first heard of them.

Soldier. Strong men, proud men, good men … untouchable men.

He knew they were the best of the best for a reason, understood that to be a soldier was to be something else, to be something different, to be something amazing.

Well, he was already different. Wasn't he? It was certainly what the other kids said, their parents also looking at him as if he didn't belong.

Only, they never looked at him in awe and wonder, never looked at him as if they longed to be by his side.

No, Cloud knew that he was different in a way that was bad, in a way which was rejected and despised.

He didn't want to be like that any more, to be so very much alone simply because of who he was.

What he wanted was to have a decent reason to be distanced from the other children in his village, a fair reason that was justified in their dislike for him, and know that their motivation was unbiased when he was so obviously considered as not being one of them.

What he hoped for was simply to be accepted, to be one of them, whatever the cost might be.

What he wished for was to be viewed as something special and not weak or pathetic.

What he dreamt of was to be wanted, to be needed, by someone, by anyone.

As it was the only person who'd cared was his mother, the woman meaning well in her efforts to raise the village's only bastard child, as they both struggled with their exclusion from the rest of the world.

Except, it was no longer enough for him, no longer enough to quieten the anger in his gut or sooth the hurt in his soul.

He would love her forever, would give his life to protect the woman who had raised him as a child. But he wasn't a child anymore, couldn't pretend that the wicked words spat in his face didn't cut just as deeply as the icy winter wind that blew through the cold mountains each year.

He had been dying there, drowning in their hate and his own despair.

Soldier was his only escape from that place, had been the only chance to change those things, but now that too had proved useless in the wake of his failures.

Maybe they had been right after all; maybe he was nothing more than a mistake. His father must have thought so, must have foreseen the failures of his child long before it had even drawn its first breath. The man left them after all, had gone out one day and never returned.

Until now Cloud hadn't held it against him, had hoped that it was just a misunderstanding, had pretended that the man hadn't really left them, and had dreamt that one day his father would return with heart-felt apologies pouring from his lips. And Cloud would welcome him back with open arms, would turn to the other children and throw their cruel words back in their faces as he held the man close to his heart.

Reality really was a bitch when she showed you how wrong you'd been, when she not only revealed the defeat of your attempts but also the breaking of your hopes and dreams.

As it turned out he wasn't anything special, certainly not even close enough to normal to be given a chance at soldier.

Combat skills too weak, mako tolerance too low, physical stamina too insufficient, academic competency too limited.

Feeble, frail, weak, pathetic, overall … insubstantial.

Yes, he was different. So very, very different. But not in a good way.

As he looked down at the letter in his hands he saw it as clear as day now, understood that not matter how hard he tried, how much he fought what the world through at him, he was nothing more than the failure they'd always known him to be.

His father hadn't popped out and just gotten lost all those years ago, hadn't planned on coming back anytime during the blonde's miserable life, because he'd already known what a disappointment the child would be. And now that Cloud thought about it, really considered all the cruel words spoken back home, never once had his mother defended the man she once called husband, never once pretended that he would have been a good and loving father to her only child.

It hurt, the pain becoming indescribable as he felt it cut deep into him. His heart being sliced into a thousand pieces by an unseen sword as the truth carved its way into his very soul.

All of those things that had been said behind his back and to his face, all those insults and words of degradation back home had been so accurate now that he reflected on them properly. Even the condescending words from his peers here as a cadet were closer to the truth then he'd wanted to see, the constructive criticisms of his instructors now more believable than he'd ever wanted them to be.

_**Application for soldier: Failed**_

There it was for all to see, clear as day, and printed so simply that even an idiot would understand it.

And Gaia, wasn't he an idiot? A fool to think he'd even had a chance to be something so good, so strong, so wondrous.

Yes, he was different. He was different in that he was blind to the truth, blinded by his own hopes and dreams to be someone special, blinded by his need to be accepted … to be wanted, by someone … by anyone.

But, as it turned out, he was just what they said he was. Nothing more than a mistake, an accident when his parents had sex one night all those years ago.

He hadn't been planned. He hadn't been wanted. He wasn't what they'd needed in life to feel complete.

His father hadn't left his mother, he'd left him. It was just inconvenient that Cloud happened to be growing within his mother's belly at the time. And as for his mother, well … suddenly her love was put into question by so much. After all, who could love a pathetic excuse for a son like him?

He'd failed her so many times, had caused her so much misery by simply existing. Every rejection she'd experienced at the hands of the town's people had been because of him, every hurt and heartache his mother felt was because he'd managed to live past birth, because he continued to let her down by being so small, so frail, so weak, so … lacking, in every small aspect of his insignificant little life.

Tears no longer burnt behind shimmering blue orbs, but instead flowed from them freely. The ocean coloured depths no longer able to contain the pain which filled the blonde's soul as he drowned within his own misery and let it pour out in glistening rivers over pale angelic features.

Was it really too much to ask for, to want to be needed by someone?

Was it really to much to hope for, to be loved by someone?

Was he already too lost to be found, should someone care enough to come looking?

"Spiky, you in here?"

Sapphire eyes snapped up to meet worried violet, the emotions which danced within those beautiful lavender orbs making the blonde's next breath hitch and a fresh wave of tears rush down over already damp cheeks.

"Zack?"

His voice warbled horrible, the tightness in his throat making it almost impossible to speak through the pain and sudden desperation being felt within.

Why was the soldier here?

Why was he wasting his time on some lowly cadet he barley knew?

Why was he bothering to speak to a failed applicant of soldier?

Why was he here when he could have been anywhere else with whoever he wanted to be with?

All of these questions were heard by the soldier, even though not a single one was spoken. The way his name was whispered so questioningly and with such sadness had been more than enough to work out what the blonde was really asking when all he'd managed to do was choke out a single word. And so he responded in the only way he could, in the only way which felt right.

Strong arms felt more warm and comforting than any thick blanket in winter as they wrapped themselves around Cloud's slim shoulders, the strength of Zack's body pressed against his own more solid and reassuring than any rock or fortified wall on the field of battle. It was indescribably how that god like form moulded itself to Cloud's weaker more pathetic one, perfectly defined muscles bunching and flexing beneath a distinguished man's uniform as they held onto a lesser cadet's trembling frame.

"I'm here for you."

It was all Cloud need to hear, the words being like a blessing from Gaia herself and his saving grace in his hour of need.

And in that moment the blonde finally broke down, finally let go of everything that had been falling apart within him so that the pieces shattered completely just as he knew they would. His tears rained down upon the soldier's uniform without end, each crystal like drop carrying away a slither of himself as his pain and heartache soaked into the dark fabric and was absorbed by the spirit of one so much stronger than him, so much better than him.

And for the first time in years Cloud found that he could actually breathe because, for once, someone else was there to catch the pieces of his crushed soul when he couldn't hold them together anymore.

Someone else was there to catch him, when he fell completely.


End file.
